I love You.

Stupid. You're so stupid. :'(

Monday, May 10, 2010

Now It's Been Forever. :)

He started searching for a path. :)


Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Now That I Know. :")

"Everything happened got reasons."

I've known why they had come to my house and opened the lost folder. It was him. He was the one who'd asked the kids to do so. I demanded, I knew that was stupid but it wasn't what I wanted to do. 
He'd known about the past. So he avoided me. Because he said he realized that he couldn't--take care of me like the way you did. And again, he was--leaking. And he said that he wouldn't want to talk to me properly because he knew I wouldn't avoid him. And that's that. 

But still, he left. 

Friday, April 30, 2010

It's That.

Happy Birthday, love. 
I know it's kinda late. I'm sorry. 
But Happy Birthday. 

Monday, April 26, 2010


It feels so weary I can't even close my eyes to take just a brief nap. And since I know I've got a kind of stupid idea of how to be communicating to you John, I won't be sleeping any sooner. And as I couldn't resume reading the Van Alen Legacy any longer, I was thinking of you even more. 
Tell me John. 
How can I make myself forget that kind of sweet scent of your hair? It smelled so--like the smell of the grass after the rain. So clean. You knew that. And your hands always smelled like the rain. Though they were once nourished me with soothing serenity. And it warms. 
It's crazy, I know. It's like a wave. Electrocuted me since you weren't here. Or maybe you are watching me. How could I ever know? 
Well let me tell you. 
Maybe, well--probably you should've been concerned about your health since--uh, since you were here. Since you were--by my side. 
Because, um, you were infected by some kind of--disaster disease. You hadn't eaten much huh? That you were so busy--taking care of this hopeless corpse. Which had caused, uh, you were drained. Your red blood, as Steven had personally informed to me. 
I'm currently sick by yours. 
Seriously. And I apologize for blaming you for the last post I've written. 
It was my fault that you'd been too drained out. Like I was some kind of monster, which had caused you--sick. That you're a Conduit. I'm sorry. 
But I--I'm sorry. For everything I've said. I just feel so lonely.  I feel like a kitten. A lost kitten. That people keep kicking without even bringing her home. 
And Cue. He's still a student. I can't expect anything from him.  
Even if he's started to act as if he were the only one who could stare. No. Even if he looks much like you. Even if he lets me pick things I want. 
But he's not like you. He's not EVEN you. You always have been mad at anything stupid I did. 
Cue's not. He's such an ignorant. He just--a rebellious teenager. While you were such a noble person. And he's just sixteen. So it seems just too awkward to be speaking to him as he's been living in Prince Albert for quite a long time. Considered as American. Canadian. Yeah. 
How come you both were so parted?

The Feelings Died.

It's the end of April. And I've got words to present. You will like it, John. It's your birthday on the April 30 and it has been almost a month since you've been gone. 
Tyler had vowed his love to Chaste so heartily that sometimes it makes me cry when I reread those words. Because they are reminding of you. 

“With Romeo and Juliet, it takes one night to fall for each other. But it took me one second to sense that you’re The One. So we’ve got each other, angel.” Tyler quoted with a dazzling smile he’d planted by the corner of his curved brink. Chaste blinked. She never had thought that this kind of chauffeur-kind-of-boy somehow had made her dazzlingly hypnotized by his good looks.

            And she didn’t even realized that she’d sobbed. And she was embarrassed by that. “Shakespeare’s much huh?” She laughed lightly and covered his eyes. Not to show the tears.

            Tyler pressed his lips together. Knowing that it was a matter of time. Not having the urge to leaving his soulmate. We were bound to one another. And it was a destiny nobody could’ve rebuked. Nobody could’ve resisted.

            “What did you expect me, silly? Van Gogh didn’t quote. Pablo Picasso? God, you’re too into aristocrats blood-bounded! Don’t be, I used to have Shakespeare’s words here.” He buried his lips on her neck and that was it.

            She’d realized that it was her choice. Leaving Reid. Choosing a path. An eternal path with Tyler. Because she knew that Tyler’s next birthday was his Death. 

And surprisingly love, Steven approved the last word. Why?

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Momma Asked Bout You.

It wasn't very easy to lie to her. So I just said. "He's gone back to Verona. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. But Steven's here. Still and his cousin came."
And she was like, nodded her head and stared. She could know that I was lying. She sensed something fallacious in my words. 
I'm afraid, John. They've known my past. They'll probably tell my mom about that. I'm scared. 
What shall I do now?
Come and help. Would you be willing to just see?

He didn't Present.

I've guessed that you would hit him on his face if you were here. I've already guessed that. 
But if you were here then, I wouldn't bother to love him
Didn't you notice all these consequences? 
It's okay. I've got a thing to quote. :")
If you are stolen from me, the way to have you live is to never stop loving. Buildings burn. You're gone. But your love is forever and it never dies
I love you. I really do. 
It's kinda late but I love you. 
Because I breath through you now. 
And I love you. 
I love you

Thursday, April 22, 2010

You Were Lying On Your Side

I've to hold the moment. The moment of being a loner at school.
I don't know when all of it to end. 
I just love home accidentally. Because the outside hurts me even deeper. 

They Betrayed Me. Help.

They came to my house. For a discussion. I don't have any idea what kind of discussion they tended to discuss. I don't have any idea. 
And when I told about him to one of them. She exposed it. Reading what I wrote. Reading what I carved. It's like being raped. Being exposed to people. And I don't know why I have to feel so jittery since it's not my fault. It's their fault. They betrayed me. They just wanted to know everything about me. Even my privacy. Even about you. They've known about you. 
Don't you see?
It goes even worse. 
He pretends not to know me anymore. Ever. I don't know why. Everything seems too hard to face. 
How can I ever stand alone? They've betrayed me. They know about me. About the blog you left. About our story. The past. They've known all about it. 
They found the folder. My diary. I had to delete the memories left in the folder. I had to. 
Even I didn't want. They knew all about me. 
I'm exposed to those fools. 
How could they find it? So they came on purpose. 
I had to delete all my memories with you. My past with all my buds. And the suffering. 
I don't know whom else should I cry on. Lonesome. 
Talking to you like a crazy people. Yeah, they say it's no use. They say I'm stupid. 
Yes I'm stupid. 
They can say whatever they want. They don't even care even if I cry out loud. Because nobody cares. Why should I cry in front of them? Nobody will come and treat me like what you did before. 
He turned away. Cue feels like so far away from me.
Help me. I'm sorry if I cried. But help me. 
I just need you so I have the confidence. I'm lack of confidence. 
Help me. 

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

"Death ends A Life. Not a Relationship"

In your 2009 diary. You've planned it earlier. 

I'm Confused.

John, you came. You finally came. Last night. 
But it's hurter than what I've thought. 
You said this. "You used to captivate me by your resonating light. As your wound won't seem to heal. There's just too much that time cannot erase. Because when you cried I wiped away all of your tears. Because as you screamed, I fought away all of your fears. And I held your hands through all of this while."
I just remember that all. But there're words--some words left. Like--"hate--left--" you just talked about him. And bla bla I can't remind. If only I could record that dream. 
Why did you came saying all that to me? You did nothing. You and yourself said that. I'm not gonna pay your deeds even if you had made some. You said it was nothing. You did nothing. You just hurt me and foremost yes. You hurt me the most. I don't know why I have to feel so mad on you since you came. You just emerged and went off. Like I was a stump. A dead shadow. You're dead. It's you who are dead. Not me! Please don't say that again to me! You made me feel blamed! You made me feel jittery for this. 
For losing you. 
I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone. As my bud had told me to. Because then I always hoped you'd come but you weren't coming. Until last night. In my dream. After I lost my hope. 
Why did you do that? Don't you love me?
What do you mean to tell? Is there anything else you didn't tell? I thought we were family. We ARE family. A devastated family though. 
But I love you. I've been alone all the time. I'm sorry for this. 
It was your stupidity made me

Monday, April 19, 2010

Last Night

As I was saying dear, Masquerade prom night. Cue met his friend. I've wondered if you knew Helen. You never tell. The Palace of the Golden Horses is some part of your dad's share. You never tell. About Cue. He's been kinda nice to me. He just took me cocktails, mask and the mannequin gloves for me. And it was awkward that I didn't dance. No, I don't dance. You know that well. I don't dance. But I feel really small and absurd when he looks at me. You never made me feel so. But he did. He itinerants to TANARATA. And it's so near. We're so near. 
Help me so that I can't fall for him. 
Because I've promised that I'd always love you. 

Sunday, April 18, 2010

"You Have a Choice. Live or Die."

Like what you've said to me. I wondered if you were there yesterday. I didn't fall. They said I ran awesomely. Cue seems not to avoid me anymore but he always sounds so cold. He's a thickheaded. Like you. But in a different way. Way too different. 

Friday, April 16, 2010

Support My Legs for Tomorrow.

If only you would be there. Your ghost. Like Hamlet's father. 
Support my legs for tomorrow, John. I beg you. 

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

If you Were Here, Then--

Masquerade. Hide your face so the world will not see you. 

I'm on a Masquerade prom night this Sunday. With Cue. If only you were here. I'll sway beneath your breath. Smile sheepishly under your flushing cheeks. Entwining hands like a tight knot. And butterflies will rise in my tummy. 
He left. 

Monday, April 12, 2010

I Take It Every Day.

Have you ever wished to see my wrist now? 
Thanks for leaving me with all this suffering. I know you didn't know the truth that you hadn't had enough red blood. But thanks. 
I'm being poked by the wires everyday into my blood vessel. To get enough red blood. Can you imagine? Everyday. You must be thanking Steven. But Cue. He's changed his school again. Into TANARATA. Because he wants to--listen, he doesn't have friends, okay. He's so quiet. He's so, uh, unlike you. You both are not alike. Totally. 

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Is This The Main Reason Why you Did This ?

Cue seems so cold to be with me. He calls me The Jinx. But it's not as hurtful to be acknowledged by a fact that you left. You are killing me. I mean, your life's killing me. Even deeper. 
You didn't realize that you left me with pain. I don't want to tell that The Pain is sadness. It's not sadness. Maybe not for now. Though it's so quiet. 
But it's about you before. You didn't realize that you've got more white blood than the red one. No wonder I still turn paler from day to day. I thought it was because I mourned for you. 
But he called me back and he told me everything. 
John, you're killing me. 
How do I suppose to keep myself alive without you like before?
Why is there always test for me? One after another. 
Just like what I lost. I'm losing all of you. 

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

It's your Cousin.

Cousin Cue, John. 
He didn't know about you. And as I've already guessed, his eyes are also charcoal colored. 
He inherits that color of your eyes too. 
But it got kind of absurd to be looking at him. His stare full of hatred and vague stuff I can't figure out. I know you won't be replying, John. You don't have to. Even if I ever wished you would. 
And uh, You never told me that he's a dark-haired guy. 
He's a whole different thing of you. 
He doesn't like these networking things. He doesn't even want to touch my Apple. He looks more or less like you. Better be said; more like you. But dark-haired. That's the difference. The only difference. 
I don't tend to compare you to him. Because I'll just mock myself too. 
Let me tell you a thing; he looked so tired. His eyes were swollen up. He loves iced-soda so much. And I hate to tell you this; he was even a hacker once until one day he got caught. I guess that's that. That he stopped bothering about these things on Internet. :)
Anyway, I love you. 
And he is leaving. Everyone's gonna leave. We're torn apart. Even you and me. I've got company. Cue. 
Wonder if one day--he's gonna--leave too. 
"Life isn't fair"
My bud's quote. 

Thursday, April 1, 2010

I Saw Him John. I Saw Him.

His eyes can be rolled 360 degrees. I'm serious. Don't you dare to laugh at me. 
And I saw him crying yesterday evening. After the cross-country event ended. 
After the school ended. 
And he was staring. He was glaring with those cold eyes. 
My heart was throbbing so badly yesterday I wanted to scream out loud. 
He was wearing plain black shirt. Sleeveless. He was so quiet. 
Everyone was cheering. But he didn't. He was just behind me, pretending not to noticing me. 
His eyes were looking down. Playing with his fingers. I kept glancing at him severely. 
His friends were bugging me. And I saw his jaw was gritted. Really, John. 
And then he disappeared from my sight. 
I didn't see his smile. My girlfriends were cheering for him yesterday. He looked so mad I didn't know why. 
But he was crying, John. He was crying. 
And today, he changed his seat from staying near the window. 
As I was strolling in the area, his head was on the table. His hands covered his head. 
Sleeping, I thought. He loves to sleep, I know. F5 boyfriends tell me. They kinda helpful. 
But he was crying. He was crying. 
Why did he cry? Why is he so quiet? 
What's wrong with his eyes?

Saturday, March 27, 2010

I Plead.

You always dropped by every night. Just to check on me. 
Saying I was reckless. 
You always had been here when I slipped. When I fell. 
Always had been here when I cried. Embraced me in your protective arms. 
Always had been here when I lost my mind. When I didn't have the idea what I was doing.
Always had been here saying that I was crazy as I was helping myself to be like my friends. 
To get myself belonged. 
But you protested it. But your resistance was kind of futile. 
Because you couldn't help it. You couldn't force me to. 
You used to be here holding the knife for me as you were scared I might cut my wrist. 
But that was funny though. I won't do something like that. 
I have my own faith. 
You used to shout at me when you saw my colored claws. 
And cleansed my claws so gently, so softly though you were really mad that time. 
And you used to assault a sharp glare at my buds while you fetched me from school. 
Since you've been gone. 
Nothing like that has been intruding my silence. 


Baby I'm Missing You.

You didn't come. You didn't emerge last night. 
It's hard to accept your absence. 
What did I do to deserve this? 
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. 
I need to feel you holding me. I'll say this over and over again if you haven't present. 
I can't keep on living like this. 
You didn't want me too. I plead; just appear in my dream. 
If only you were here, I'd let you do anything you want. 
Ruffling up my hair, playing all those DVDs, tuning into channels I hate. 
I just don't know what to do with myself. 
It's so different to keep on without you. 
I'm not going to leave if you weren't here with me. No. 
"We've built a great family". Yeah. That's what you said. 
But I deny it. 
It's a devastated family after all. 
It's hard for me to tell you I do love you. Though it's easy for me to fall for someone. 
I would've given you anything. 
For one last time, say goodbye. 
You didn't. You just left. Leaving me alone. 
I never feel this lonely. I feel so lonely. So lonesome. 
Annoyed by my sisters. Ignored. What else? 
There's just one thing I wanna know. 
Why did you want to hurt me so bad? 
This way. 

I Can't Stand Looking at those Pictures

"Don't cry, hun. don't cry"
T___________T T________________T
I told ya I wouldn't obey ya. 
T________T T_____________T T______________T T______________T
This is annoying but I won't obey. 
Speak to me. Tonight. Even in my dream. I need to see you. I love you. 
Take back your life from me. 

I Need To Feel you Here So I Can Write

My both hands are freezing. Because of you. 
My brain's frozen up. Because of you. 
I don't know what to write. I don't know how to continue Chaste's journey. 
Because Tyler's already died. 
Tell me what should she have been doing without Tyler by her side. 
He's dead, already. 
Can't you see that I always write to you without you replying?
I'm insane. I've gone insane. 
Did you know how much it's hurt to be missing you? I love you. 
Goddamn, I love you. I say it. I love you. 
Why didn't you bring my CDs along? So you could reply me whenever I asked.
About your blog you left. And that hurtful song on my laptop screen. 
That painful lyrics. It's hurting me. 
Because you were describing your life. But I don't loathe you. I need you. 
Why did you have to go while I still needed you?
I breathed for you. But not for now. I don't know. Because you weren't here.  
You're at fault I turn this way. And still, I love you. 
Why did you have to go since it was me.
It was me, John. It wasn't you. 
You cried too. You cried the time you created the blog you left. I could feel it. I could see it. 
Though I looked like a dead corpse on the hospital bed. But I felt you crying.

Why did You Leave Anyway

I always have wished the same thing whenever I woke up and to see you there, John. 
I always have. 
Did you ever think what I've wished? 
"Never thought that we've ever met"
And if you could hear me now, I miss your love so much. 
And I miss that smile you used to plant on your brink.
This is stupid, I realize. 
But I don't know what to do. 
It's so quiet without you here in my room. 
I'd rather give your life back. 
I'd do anything to make you come back. 
I don't know what to do with myself. 
I'm lost. 
I don't know what ice-cream flavor to choose, which movie should I watch, where should I go. 
I told ya I'm lost. 
But you're stupider. 
You lied to me. 
You wanted to leave me. 
There was someone before you wanted to die for me. 
But you urged on it. You lied. 
But I miss you. I wanted to return your life. I wanted to feel you. 
Because you're out of reach. You're now nowhere to be seen. 
Nowhere in sight. 
Now tell me what should I do now. 
Except studying. Don't reply me I should stop crying for you if you ever want to. Because it's your fault I'm lost. 
Blonde, I'm lost. 
It's your fault. You shouldn't have to go away. Shouldn't have to leave me like a kitten that had lost her mom. 
I'm lost. 
I lived for you. I held the pain because of you. 
But you just left. 

Friday, March 26, 2010

Help Me Close The Lids

It's your fault I couldn't. 
Things will never be the same without you. 
You should've called me last night to come over. 
You should've been here last night. 
Disturbing my silence. 
But you didn't, you just didn't.  
I need you here with me. 
Listen, things changed. 
I miss your voice. 
I'm not obeying you, no. 
Now I don't know what to do. 
I miss you. 
I'll do anything to make you come back. 
Hear you say 'I love you'
I miss you.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I've Missed You So Badly I wanted to Die.

But then I realized it's you who I'd possibly hurt. Because it was me who died. Actually. 

Everyday I hope you're there, watching me. So you knew I still alive. 
Everyday I hope you're even here, holding me. Ruffling my hair so I could breath. But all I ever see is the avalanche of a dream. 
I'm sorry for not attending the funeral ceremony. I just couldn't bear to see you being--buried under my feet. 
I just couldn't. 
I miss you. 
I wish you were here. 
I wish. 
I miss you, blonde. Things changed. 
I'm sorry I don't go to school. I'm sorry I haven't eaten the last piece of strawberry cake you left in your fridge. 
You knew the truth I love strawberries. You ignored people saying I loved chocolate. 
You were right. Always right. 
I miss your touch. I love that smooth line jaw of yours. 
I don't mind if you have to appear as a corpse. Or as a ghost. But all I ever want is you. 
I want to see you. I didn't get the chance to say goodbye. I want to feel your touch. 
I won't be scared if you appear now. 
I miss you